‘C’mon! If you don’t want to spend money on it, then at least sneak in!’
‘B-but I don’t have my nausea medicine!’ I said. But it would be a while until 8:00 when we were to meet her brother for dinner and I don’t have a driver’s liscence yet, so I spent 90 minutes watching The Michelle Tanners (As they shall now be called) try their hand at acting. I will never get back those 90 minutes. Buuuuuut I chose to be positive. I now give you an unbiased (Aherm) viewer’s comment of the movie!
Ah, New York Minute! A fun song from the days of yore, an expression used a lot and now a horror film! Sorry, that’s ‘A horrIBLE’ film. Nobody but a convict guilty of some truly heinous crime should be forced to sit though this movie. That soupy dreg like this made it to the big screen when so many good films never even get a release is sickening. I encourage audience members not to think of how there are millions of talented actors who get turned out when these two girls spend countless hours rolling around naked in gold coins, masturbating with rolls of 20 dollar bills. It’s enough to make one lose one’s faith in humanity. How they ever found a sane director who was willing to produce this is the 25,000 dollar question. It’s amazing what money can buy, isn’t it? I mean… Ed Wood probably wouldn’t be caught dead directing this. If the girls were really as ‘smart’ as people claim they are, why couldn’t they see that they were putting out a dud? Probably because they know that little girls, high on saccharine would flock to this film. Or maybe one of the Warner brothers said to the other over breakfast ‘Ya know, I’m just so darn tired of having money. Lets invest in one of many stupid C-rate movies!’ and the other replied ‘Good idea! And I have just the four that’ll do it! Gigli Parts 2-3 and New York Minute!’
I’m going to use the word ‘plot’ in the loosest sense now. The plot is paradoxical. There are three plots going on at once, but none of them very… good. The girls are busy but nothing’s going on. If I were to make a movie about loosing an AP English Review book, would it make much money? … Ehh… But when these two make one about a date book going missing AH! We have magic! … Banal… trite… yawn-inspiring… puke-inducing magic.
Remember how in the end of the 80’s version of Texas Chainsaw Massacre the killer dances around with the chainsaw? Imagine a slightly more insane person in his place wielding a camera. Now speed up the scene times two and PRESTO! You have an idea of what the shots were like. I’ve seen better film handling in The Blaire Witch Project.
Em-Kay and Aie go down to NYC in this 90 minute horror destined to be summer camp classic--- sorry, make that concentration camp. The usual stereotypical mishaps ensue: The stage dive, the wardrobe change, the naked twins (Author excuses herself to throw up) and the two love interest boys. What follows with these treacherous ingredients could not be more devoid of imagination if it tried. It one of several sad attempts to entertain the daddies and week-end daddies of the little girls in the theatre, the writers have one of the Tanner-girls (What? Which one? It doesn’t matter. They’re the same damn person!) run around in nothing but a bathrobe and the other in a towel. The end effect is the poor mensies feeling like dirty pedophiles. Maybe a couple of them peeked in on their daughters’ sleepover parties afterwards… Nasty business that. But the worst part of the movie (Make that second worst. The worst part is that it actually started) was the fact that it was obviously caste by the Ivory Tower. I’ve never seen so many white people in New York in my life. Anyone who has been here knows that you can’t spit without hitting 4 different ethnic groups. They even have a white man playing the role of a pseudo-Chinese guy (Bennie Bang. RGH!) and the Olsen twins wandering into an African-American beauty shop. Although I’ve been called ‘white’ all my life I was deeply offended at the way the African-American characters were portrayed as ‘Jive talkin’ hip swingin’ black sistas’. Is that any way to portray ethnic groups to the impressionable youth? I’m surprised that they didn’t run into any Arabic people. Or Indians. Or Native Americans. Or Hispanics. But the girls can’t be blamed for this. They didn’t caste the movie. Wait, but they co-produced it. Little racists…
If the Olsen sisters (I refuse to call them twins and lend such a disgrace to the name of twins everywhere) want to continue making money, they better invest in an acting class. Buuuuut since I am the #10 finisher in New York for Duo interpretation (Shows her Semi-finalist plaque) and since I’m such a nice androgynous, I’m going to give the Olsen girls some tips:
1- Stop sucking
2- Be more funny
3- Eyes on the script, not the wardrobe
4- Stop sucking
5- Stop sucking
6- Be original
7- Racism went out with Archie Bunker
8- Simple math: Cliché does not equal funny
9- Don’t look for ideas from your own pervious movies
10- Stop being ‘trendy’
11- Stop sucking
12- Be less boring
13- Stop sucking
14- Stop sucking
If you can’t stop sucking, at least try to suck less every day, then stop all together